I am dreading Wednesday.
I am dreading Wednesday so much that every and any thought of it makes my eyes tear.
I can play that exact scene over and over and I can feel every fucking emotion I'm supposed to feel.
And I am going to feel it for the rest of this year.
It's taking me every source of strength and will to not run over and beg you to stay.
It is taking a toll on me. It has been for a while. I want it to stop.
I am dreading Wednesday so much that I swear I want it over right now.
Now.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Day 1 to perfect teeth
I have decided to do braces.
In fact, I have always wanted braces and got it checked, x-rayed etc when I was Sec 2.
But I had no damn guts to do it.
Thinking back, it was so stupid and silly. I should have done it then since I'm in my 'prime' age now.
Have always been very insecure about my teeth.
It's just.. awful. In one word.
Everything about it, I hate, and it is more crooked than ever.
Saw a recommendation in the newspaper and went for my first appointment with Tooth Angels at The Central today.
Extremely good service, I would recommend it though the prices is a bit steep.
I'm doing Simpliclear, which is something like transparent braces so it costs about 4k more than normal braces.
Chose Simpliclear cause I would cry if I ever saw myself in traditional braces and the metal wires are constantly cutting. So Simpliclear is a much better alternative!
Did my teeth mould today and doing the top row of my gums hurt like a bitch.
Like I was trying to hold my tears but it kept flowing and the next thing I saw was my mould all bloody.
The metal cut straight into my gums. And I do have weak gums.
The bottom row felt much better, I don't know why.
Had to pluck out 8 teeth and I was scared to death. 4 wisdom and 4 pre-molars.
I googled and very few people actually extract 8 at once, which my doctor recommended.
Also, after watching a wisdom tooth extraction, I am too damn afraid to do my wisdom tooth extraction so I'm just going ahead with 4 pre molar extractions hahaha.
3 tests next week, off to study!
In fact, I have always wanted braces and got it checked, x-rayed etc when I was Sec 2.
But I had no damn guts to do it.
Thinking back, it was so stupid and silly. I should have done it then since I'm in my 'prime' age now.
Have always been very insecure about my teeth.
It's just.. awful. In one word.
Everything about it, I hate, and it is more crooked than ever.
Saw a recommendation in the newspaper and went for my first appointment with Tooth Angels at The Central today.
Extremely good service, I would recommend it though the prices is a bit steep.
I'm doing Simpliclear, which is something like transparent braces so it costs about 4k more than normal braces.
Chose Simpliclear cause I would cry if I ever saw myself in traditional braces and the metal wires are constantly cutting. So Simpliclear is a much better alternative!
Did my teeth mould today and doing the top row of my gums hurt like a bitch.
Like I was trying to hold my tears but it kept flowing and the next thing I saw was my mould all bloody.
The metal cut straight into my gums. And I do have weak gums.
The bottom row felt much better, I don't know why.
Had to pluck out 8 teeth and I was scared to death. 4 wisdom and 4 pre-molars.
I googled and very few people actually extract 8 at once, which my doctor recommended.
Also, after watching a wisdom tooth extraction, I am too damn afraid to do my wisdom tooth extraction so I'm just going ahead with 4 pre molar extractions hahaha.
3 tests next week, off to study!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
What doesn't kill you make you stronger
Caution: Lengthy post cause I'm ranting.
I love everything about Chinese New Year. Almost.
The spirit of being happy and feeling prosperous for the new year, the fabulous food, the perfect excuse for gambling, the bonding with family and friends etc.
I love it all.
But this year, I spent the greatest time celebrating new year with my friends and B.
I absolutely disliked the gathering at my grandparents' place.
& I think I have the perfect reason to.
I hate it when people judge. And constantly commenting on one single issue, creating a big hoo-ha over it.
I received ten over comments about me being tan and black, consecutively. One aunt, then the next uncle, then the next aunt, asking why I've become so black.
HEY I GET IT. I KNOW I AM TANNED. Stop rubbing it in.
Stop going on and on asking me to 'whiten' up. I would have done so if I feel that I am extremely black, which is what everyone seems to make their point across.
In fact, I feel perfectly fine with how tanned I am so I completely do not get why there is such a big fuss over it. I'm sorry I'm not the stereotype pretty, fair and slim girls like how most of the Chinese population is.
& if you must know, I was already born fairly tanned.
My uncle even came to tell me that I'm fat. Yes, I obviously know. You do not need to make me feel worse on such a joyous occasion.
Everyone has their own preference and taste when it comes to dressing and I personally do not understand why my relatives like to impose a whole different look on me. I am not out to look slutty and I feel that I absolutely do not dress slutty or inappropriate. I do not follow trends either or I'll be wearing crop tees etc last year, which shows half your body.
I dress what fits me best so please do not tell me not to wear this nor that. It is honestly not a good feeling and I feel extremely restricted and unhappy being myself. Again, I am not out to show the world my body.
Extremely envious of parents/relatives who do not comment on their daughter's dress sense and I have seen many friends wearing rather revealing clothes during CNY visits, but hell, they look good and I have double the amount of cloth on my body so why am I still judged by my closest kin?
I think it's ironic and rather nonsensical if they do these just because they care for me etcetc, because it makes me feel like shit firstly.
& secondly, you don't know shit about me.
You don't know what I like to eat, how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, what school I'm in even. (Except for one aunt who is really sweet and gets me clothes which I really love)
Other than that, we are not really that close a family.
And likewise, I don't know shit about you either so I do not comment on anything unless provoked.
I'm starting to like family gatherings less and less. It has become an extremely stressful situation to be in, being judged, talked and discussed about, compared to etc.
I don't know why they fault me for paying more attention to my friends who actually truly have my backs and support me no matter what. Could you blame me for wanting to spend more time with people who makes me happier?
If my closest kin can now judge me with how I look, dress and fare in academics, how else are they different from the strangers I have no ties with in the world?
I love everything about Chinese New Year. Almost.
The spirit of being happy and feeling prosperous for the new year, the fabulous food, the perfect excuse for gambling, the bonding with family and friends etc.
I love it all.
But this year, I spent the greatest time celebrating new year with my friends and B.
I absolutely disliked the gathering at my grandparents' place.
& I think I have the perfect reason to.
I hate it when people judge. And constantly commenting on one single issue, creating a big hoo-ha over it.
I received ten over comments about me being tan and black, consecutively. One aunt, then the next uncle, then the next aunt, asking why I've become so black.
HEY I GET IT. I KNOW I AM TANNED. Stop rubbing it in.
Stop going on and on asking me to 'whiten' up. I would have done so if I feel that I am extremely black, which is what everyone seems to make their point across.
In fact, I feel perfectly fine with how tanned I am so I completely do not get why there is such a big fuss over it. I'm sorry I'm not the stereotype pretty, fair and slim girls like how most of the Chinese population is.
& if you must know, I was already born fairly tanned.
My uncle even came to tell me that I'm fat. Yes, I obviously know. You do not need to make me feel worse on such a joyous occasion.
Everyone has their own preference and taste when it comes to dressing and I personally do not understand why my relatives like to impose a whole different look on me. I am not out to look slutty and I feel that I absolutely do not dress slutty or inappropriate. I do not follow trends either or I'll be wearing crop tees etc last year, which shows half your body.
I dress what fits me best so please do not tell me not to wear this nor that. It is honestly not a good feeling and I feel extremely restricted and unhappy being myself. Again, I am not out to show the world my body.
Extremely envious of parents/relatives who do not comment on their daughter's dress sense and I have seen many friends wearing rather revealing clothes during CNY visits, but hell, they look good and I have double the amount of cloth on my body so why am I still judged by my closest kin?
I think it's ironic and rather nonsensical if they do these just because they care for me etcetc, because it makes me feel like shit firstly.
& secondly, you don't know shit about me.
You don't know what I like to eat, how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, what school I'm in even. (Except for one aunt who is really sweet and gets me clothes which I really love)
Other than that, we are not really that close a family.
And likewise, I don't know shit about you either so I do not comment on anything unless provoked.
I'm starting to like family gatherings less and less. It has become an extremely stressful situation to be in, being judged, talked and discussed about, compared to etc.
I don't know why they fault me for paying more attention to my friends who actually truly have my backs and support me no matter what. Could you blame me for wanting to spend more time with people who makes me happier?
If my closest kin can now judge me with how I look, dress and fare in academics, how else are they different from the strangers I have no ties with in the world?
Sunday, February 5, 2012
What you don't know won't kill you
I don't know why I'm all depressed even though its only an act.
But it just shows so damn much.
I haven't been the greatest friend but what you did was just plain degrading to me.
That you were willing to just drop everything and make me look like a fool simply for her. If she's that worth it, I wouldn't care.
& you didn't even give me a choice or discuss your plans.
Just go along, go with the flow and explain to me later.
Am I that insignificant?
What was I supposed to say? No?
It's not like you gave me options and you knew I'd do it for you.
Even though you knew I'll be upset.
Fucking hate being used. Even though I'm your very good friend, I still don't think this is a treatment between friends anyone can tolerate.
You know I'd do anything for you, but it doesn't mean I deserve this.
I choke back my tears and feelings yesterday.
And I don't think we'll ever really be the same again cause I know where I stand now.
And it's like close to nothing. And for a bitch that just plays with your heartstrings, what, is she eight?
I hope this makes up for all the times I wasn't there for you.
But know that I'd never do such a thing to you.
But it just shows so damn much.
I haven't been the greatest friend but what you did was just plain degrading to me.
That you were willing to just drop everything and make me look like a fool simply for her. If she's that worth it, I wouldn't care.
& you didn't even give me a choice or discuss your plans.
Just go along, go with the flow and explain to me later.
Am I that insignificant?
What was I supposed to say? No?
It's not like you gave me options and you knew I'd do it for you.
Even though you knew I'll be upset.
Fucking hate being used. Even though I'm your very good friend, I still don't think this is a treatment between friends anyone can tolerate.
You know I'd do anything for you, but it doesn't mean I deserve this.
I choke back my tears and feelings yesterday.
And I don't think we'll ever really be the same again cause I know where I stand now.
And it's like close to nothing. And for a bitch that just plays with your heartstrings, what, is she eight?
I hope this makes up for all the times I wasn't there for you.
But know that I'd never do such a thing to you.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Enchanted
Food that I really crave now:
Sogurt ( Cookie&cream, pineapple mango, peach mango )
Twister Fries
Famous Amos cookies
Sticky sweets
Sour sweets
Plums ( Bought a bagful just now )
Ben and Jerry Icecream
Fresh Sashimi
Cheese Tofu
Pineapple tarts full of crust
This is not good.
Had Cca Bazaar today and overall, not a very good impression on the new batch yet.
A handful of them were pretty arrogant and stuck up.
I'm feeling extremely self conscious nowadays.
Every single food I eat, I think of the calories and fats I'm putting on.
Not a good feeling.
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