Saving Grace

You know I love you.

I love my Dad cos he's been fetching me to school recently everyday!

So I faced my deepest fears and did the unexpectable. It wasn't as bad as I thought.
Thank you God. And everyone who tolerated my shit today. <3

Bulletproof, Not.

Please dont judge me from all my whining, I know I complain too much but It's the only way I feel better.

Today was one of the worst days of the year. I all but forced smiles at school. I felt it the moment I woke up, uneasy & so upset with everything.

I thought the day would get better but no.
It was nice that everyone was trying to get me to talk and was so sweet about it, so I cheered up a little.

I hate school, for the millionth time. I hate that when I put in effort to come to school and be on time, the stupid system had to put me down. They say dont and never try to beat the system, but y'know what. The system sucks.

I did average for midyears, and in some cases even better than those who seems to be studying so hard. No, I'm not saying I'm smart. I'm trying to say I know what I'm doing.

I hate that every single parent around me seems to be awesome and understanding. My parents are nice, but I want more than that. I want you to know me, and understand me. Do you know I'm so sick and tired of school? No. Do you know how unhappy I am in school? No. Do you know I hate myself for everything I cannot do well in? No. Do you care? No, absolutely not.

I'm drained. & tired.

I'm afraid to tell you anything, Mom and Dad. Cos you'll never listen. You'd be way too eager to tell me what you think, What you think is 'morally' right, What I must do and there's no leeway. You feel that you're doing your job as long as you make sure we're studying and well-fed.

I hope you know that I'm supposed to enjoy my years growing up, that I shouldnt be afraid to tell you anything, that I can tell you I'm feeling awful and I want to give school a miss, that I'm supposed to be happy.
Just that I'm not.

All you care is the two princes in the house, though they have never ever done better than me in any exam or any acheivements. Yet you still choose to doubt me, and believe that they're worth so much more.

Home should be a heaven, my escape from a tough day at school. But I hate coming home, not bcos I prefer my friends to you, but bcos with my friends, I seem to matter.
At home, I'm nothing more than your son's tutor. I get fucked for his poor results, his shortcomings. I grew up without anyone watching over me, and he's your responsibilty. I have done more than enough as a sister, why am I even obliged to look after your boy?

I have so much on my mind now that I feel like I'm going to burst. I want to sleep for the longest time ever.

I'm Worried. I'm Angry. And I'm Unhappy.
I guess I really need a long cry.

You or Me

Disappointment a second time round and I've tried to hold it back but I cant help it.

Sometimes I wonder..

But you're still the best so maybe it's me.

Butter Corns

Inception was reallyyyy good. I was literally trembling in my seat (partly due to the cold) but mostly excitement.

Pretty confusing show but you get the gist after awhile.
5 STARS WITHOUT A DOUBT, EVERYONE PLEASE WATCH IT.

A level oral was %#^($#&(*&!@ but I am extremely pleased that it will be the last chinese oral of my life :>

There is so much on my mind: my poor results, my overthetop parents, Kellett(_|_), birthdays, decisions on whether to do SATs, study local or overseas universities, Blacks fun touch etc.

Everything is piling up. But I've been happy :>

Airplanes

Favourite song at the moment.

Today wasnt good at all.
In fact, every single day in school is a nightmare. Y'know how some people make fleeting statements bout how hate their schools once in a while? Believe me when I tell you this: I REALLY REALLY HATE MY SCHOOL, PERIOD.

Everyone says give it some time, that I'll slowly adapt into a new enviroment blahblah. To hell with it, 6 months into JC and I still hate it as much as the first day of school.

I used to dislike Xinmin, but deep down, I enjoyed every single day of school. Every day was fresh and different. I absoulutely loved my class, my friends and most of the teachers.

I think anyone can tell by now that I'm a person who hates changes.
I still cannot accept that Jaycee is NOTHING like my secondary school.

JC life is nothing but mundane. School is a freaking routine, I dont know what I'm not doing the same every fucking day.
Teachers are extreme bitches except one or two (how pathetic is that) and I dont like anyone there except for a bunchful.

I still wake up every morning fighting to resist any excuse not to come to school, not because I'm lazy or unwilling to learn, but because its boring and a plain waste of my time.

Oh and I'm still in awe that lecturers consider reading out handouts as lectures. For one whole hour, they do not add or take away a single word from the study notes we have. I feel like I'm back in Kindergarden attending reading session, do they not get the point that we can actually can read word for word ourselves and do not need them to repeat EXACTLY what's on the paper?

So please agree with me that it's a waste of time or is it me just going insane?

I know that the school is not obliged to make life enjoyable nor do they give a fuck about me. But I just need to get this out of my chest, cos everyday in school feels like I've been stabbed a thousand times.

I've never dreaded anything more.

The worst part is there is absoulutely nothing I can do but just suck it up and continue going to this dead school until it drives me crazier.

Okay done whining, I'm out.

Hearts and Such

Now I know there's someone out there who cares if you dont.

No one should be near me when I'm feeling like this.