I don't think I have ever truly believed anyone who tells me I'm beautiful in this lifetime so far.

Resorts

So the results are out and I did pretty good by passing every single subject with a few Bs. Not fantastic results but good enough for me.

Been spending the past few days training and my legs are aching so bad. But it feels good to know that the fats are burning up instead of storing up inside me.

Caught a number of shows this past weeks. Midnight in Paris, Real Steel, Paranormal Activity and In time.
All of them were really good except Paranormal. It freaked me out so bad for days.

Looking forward to the hols. B comes back next week followed by a number of chalets and birthdays. Also a trip to Lankawi, and Christmas and then my 18th birthday.

Damn, I need cash for all these.

Delirious

When I feel like shit, I look like shit.
And when I look like shit, I feel like shit even more.

I feel like I'm stuck in this shithole and my heart breaks almost every night.
It's a vicious cycle.

Pawn

Worthless, just as before.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
Why do I allow myself to feel like that?

Like you mean it

Three words, eight letters.
Say it & I'm yours.

Wishlist

Evidence never fades

Every time I see it, my heart races & I've got this sick nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I could stab myself then.

Walk away

Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms, if you dare.
Or must I imagine you there.

Light the Night

It's the westlife concert today & I'm feeling extremely blue that I'm here, not there listening to my childhood band. That I'm here after a completely screwed up economics paper.

I love sleep recently. It makes me forget everything.
Whenever I have issues to deal with & I need an escape, I sleep.
& I guess this is partly the reason why I hate people waking me up abruptly.

I've been thinking & it's true that no one can deny their past.
But we've all been young once and did everything insane, some a little more extreme than others.

But does it necessarily have to stay with you for life, to how others judge and see you as you were before?
How you choose to have fun with certain people, does it mean you are like them?
How you might have done somethings & regretted, does it mean that you will always be remembered and identified as the person who did this and that?

I came to NYJC, expecting a whole different journey with many different people. But eventually, your past catches up with you, somehow.
Cause this is a small world.
News go round, getting even more exaggerated by the day.
& when I meet someone else's eyes, they don't have to say a thing. But I know that they have already seen me through different lenses.

When I meet friends and those that really gel fast with me, it's natural that we share our past etc.
And they swear that they won't judge.
Then again, really?
All I had was trust that you'll take me for who I really am, since it's my past and the things I do, that have defined me into who I am now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, love me for who I really am.
Every bit of it.
Bcos all of us just wanna be accepted in the end.

Y'know the worse feeling in the world, is to feel sorry for yourself.
Sometimes I can't help feeling that.

Look how they shine for you

I'm back to this pathetic feeling again, it's a vicious cycle.

I'm tired of living up to expectations. Living and doing every single thing because I'm expected to & not because I want to.

I'm tired of even thinking twice, three times, before I blog something in case I create a misunderstanding. I should not even need to explain what is on my blog because it's my means of release. What is the point of filtering? Haters are still gonna hate.

I'm tired of doing things just so that people don't get hurt, just so that people around me are satisfied. What about me? Am I supposed to do things your will just so that everyone is contented at the expense of myself?

I'm tired of looking at the all pretty people and smart asses. I start to feel shitty after.

I'm tired of studying fucking nationalism, integration, macroeconomic issues and Wide Sargasso Sea.

I'm tired of chasing some friends down.

I'm tired of some of their bullshit.

I'm tired of feeling tired. Of everything.
I Just Want To Be Left The Hell Alone.