Bulletproof, Not.

Please dont judge me from all my whining, I know I complain too much but It's the only way I feel better.

Today was one of the worst days of the year. I all but forced smiles at school. I felt it the moment I woke up, uneasy & so upset with everything.

I thought the day would get better but no.
It was nice that everyone was trying to get me to talk and was so sweet about it, so I cheered up a little.

I hate school, for the millionth time. I hate that when I put in effort to come to school and be on time, the stupid system had to put me down. They say dont and never try to beat the system, but y'know what. The system sucks.

I did average for midyears, and in some cases even better than those who seems to be studying so hard. No, I'm not saying I'm smart. I'm trying to say I know what I'm doing.

I hate that every single parent around me seems to be awesome and understanding. My parents are nice, but I want more than that. I want you to know me, and understand me. Do you know I'm so sick and tired of school? No. Do you know how unhappy I am in school? No. Do you know I hate myself for everything I cannot do well in? No. Do you care? No, absolutely not.

I'm drained. & tired.

I'm afraid to tell you anything, Mom and Dad. Cos you'll never listen. You'd be way too eager to tell me what you think, What you think is 'morally' right, What I must do and there's no leeway. You feel that you're doing your job as long as you make sure we're studying and well-fed.

I hope you know that I'm supposed to enjoy my years growing up, that I shouldnt be afraid to tell you anything, that I can tell you I'm feeling awful and I want to give school a miss, that I'm supposed to be happy.
Just that I'm not.

All you care is the two princes in the house, though they have never ever done better than me in any exam or any acheivements. Yet you still choose to doubt me, and believe that they're worth so much more.

Home should be a heaven, my escape from a tough day at school. But I hate coming home, not bcos I prefer my friends to you, but bcos with my friends, I seem to matter.
At home, I'm nothing more than your son's tutor. I get fucked for his poor results, his shortcomings. I grew up without anyone watching over me, and he's your responsibilty. I have done more than enough as a sister, why am I even obliged to look after your boy?

I have so much on my mind now that I feel like I'm going to burst. I want to sleep for the longest time ever.

I'm Worried. I'm Angry. And I'm Unhappy.
I guess I really need a long cry.